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July 27 Why the American economy is doomed to the lake of fire and sulphurPart 1: The story
I could have said hell, but my title is so much more descriptive. Wanna know why? The answer comes just a couple inches below.
My mission as of about 10 last night was to see if I could get a free ipod off one of those sites advertising such a thing. You know, the ones that come up in pop up ads, banners, and ads on google. The short answer to the question "are they legitimate?" is yes. But only to an extent. It involves jumping through a few hoops. Actually, you are expected to do a double-backwards somersault through a hoop whilst whistling "The Star Spangled Banner." (name that movie quote and get a free flat screen tv!)
Let me tell you how these sites do it:
1. Several companies pay the site mucho dinero to place an ad for a "special offer" on the site. (more on that later)
2. The free electronics sites buy name brand electronics in bulk.
3. The sites advertise in all corners of the cyber-universe to pull in new "customers."
4. Someone like me makes an "account" at the site to attempt to reap the benefits of modern-day tupperware parties.
5. They select their "free item" and proceed to choose from a list of "special offers" from the said advertisers.
These special offers are most typically weight loss pills, male enhancement pills, online casinos, free 2 weeks trials of anything, free information on online colleges, or free information on how to "make a 6-digit income by working at home!" All are flashing in green and pink with red letters. Typical formula for computer motion sickness.
6. After somehow completing the "offer," the unwary "recipient" of the "free" ipod finds that they must refer X number of "friends" to the website to do the same effing thing.
Let's take me for example. I used an email account that I use for crap like this to sign up for a free Creative Zen Vision, a modern gadget I have been lusting after for months. I signed up for a special Real Player 2 week trial of premium radio, 10 music downloads a month (woo hoo...not) and live video of Big Brother 7 available 24 hours a day. It was one of those things where you give them your credit card number and they will automatically bill you when your free trial is over, which means you are screwed if you don't cancel right away. And this was one of the less gimmicky offers.
I figured that this was like any other online registration: you can cancel your account online as well. Wrong I was. I had to call the bloody customer service to cancel it. First I talked to a Hispanic woman whose rapid-fire customer support babble was totally incomprehensible. Then I had an incoming call on my cell, so I pushed end to stop the beeping. That ended the whole customer support crapola. Unfortunately, it was 7:59 and the customer support was supposed to last til 8. So I redialed and had a wonderful chat with a young pakistani man. Let me go over the highlights: I had to spell out everything they asked for. Alas, I am so used to using my main email account that I automatically spelled that out. After a "shoot! can I start over?" I got it right and made it through. Then I had to give the whole 16-number debit card number, complete with a repeat. Then I had to give the cardholder's name for security reasons. My card has my full name, which is about 3 times longer than just Jed.
Then I had to tell him the reason for cancelling my subscription. I made up a lame..."uhhh...I didn't mean to sign up for it?..." That confused our customer support friend, who ended with "I'll send an email to you confirming your cancellation. You have a wonderful evening Jed." All said with a Pakistani accent.
I didn't even bother to try referring 11 people, and I don't think they even considered my "special offer" completed. No free stuff for Jed.
Part 2: The Analysis
What is wrong with this? It's a transfer of gimmickry to try and soak up the little economic dignity Americans have. I decided a while ago that I wouldn't get a credit card until I was well out of college. You've probably seen the banner ads for analysis of how screwed you are because you can't say no to buying $300 worth of groceries with your credit card. My 8th grade teacher told me to only buy with cash your whole life and you'll never have money problems. I figure checking accounts and debit cards are ok too since you draw out of an account.
Moving right along...
The products you get for free are imported from Asia and are most likely worth less than half of the retail price. However, the "retail price" is always shown in red with a broad stripe through it, showing that your are receiving the equivalent of $300 in cash. Not true.
Are you still with me?
From the online casinos to the diet pills to the minimum priced cigarette cartons to the get rich quick scams, you can see in your 17 inch computer screen (which you bought with money that you worked for) that the special offers are only the most undesirable addictions of American citizens.
To actually make an item free of charge, you must cancel whatever junk you subscribed to, and I have already told you what a nightmare that is. You'd think that since we're so connected to computers that a simple thing like cancelling a subscription could be done online, but we're still forced to use that old fashioned telephone to get anything done. Something must be wrong when commonly used technology isn't available.
My advice for myself and all of you is this: get a job, work hard, earn money, and buy your own imported trash whatever the price. Even if it means hours of consumer research and finding the lowest price and best quality, it will make you feel all warm inside.
July 23 "The mind of a genius is one that is unpredictable"---the timeless words of Mr. Jed CarlsonFor the sake of doing something with my long summer days, I did check out the updated spaces page for the first time since msn spaces started going down the toilet. At least I haven't lost my knack for reporting bad spaces. I think I got 6 or 7 shut down for "inappropriate" content. I better get 3 gold stars on the good msn spacer chart.
That's the only thing worth mentioning in the computer world. Except that out of boredom I googled my name. Here's the results in images: http://images.google.com/images?q=Jed%20Carlson&hl=en&sa=N&tab=wi
Doing such an act of boredom did reveal that I was once an active trader in blogshares. I wasn't surprised to see that my once "multi-million dollar empire" has dropped to under 50k. I almost laughed out loud.
The word of the day is plethora. Just because it's so fun to say.
I will leave you with some trivia straight from the front page of wikipedia. I'm fascinated by it all. Especially the one about the fig newtons.
Did you know...
July 07 the way things used to be...Alrighty everyone. After a 2 month hiatus, I suppose I'm gonna give it a go again. Actually, after 2 months without blogging, I still feel like there is nothing to write about that I haven't covered already. I still think that whatever readers are still out there can keep very busy by reading the archives. Then again, who wants to do that when you could have the convenience of a new blog at least every week? I can't guarantee an official comeback. The thought just came to me as I am typing this that I haven't blogged frequently for one main reason: my writing is no longer as provocative...no...not provocative...I need a better word to describe my former writings that sparked controversy and discussion, and in some cases, blatant cursing. Alas, I've got nothing. I've lost a connection with the blogosphere. I'm no longer fascinated with making extensive lists of anything I want, especially when I have no way of knowing if anyone bothers to click the links. I don't reach the audience I once used to. The glory days of blogging are over. And that was just one year ago. Funny how it sounds so recent, but feels so long ago...okay, enough with the watered down memories.
I've considered just closing my site completely, disabling all comments and leaving it as somewhat of a memorial, but that's just too tacky. I could go down with the ship and continue to write bad blogs until nobody bothers to read them anymore, but that's just not my style...so, I promise that I will blog again. Maybe not for a week, maybe not for a year. But I suppose The Daily Satire (hahahahaha) is somewhat a part of my life. It's like the toy that was mistreated in early childhood, then you find that it was worth millions as a collectible...or it's like the toy that is junk and you know it must be trashed, but you have a slight emotional attachment to it that prevents you from doing so. In any case, I'm not going anywhere. April 30 $5.50 an hour? it's hardly worth it.I have not written a blog in 3 weeks. I'd like to say it's just me, but it's not. You people don't leave enough comments for a person like me to be motivated. The Daily Satire is just one week of bloglessness away from being the Monthly Satire. And for that, I apologize. I promise it will pick up this summer again. I'm one month away from going to Florida for our band trip. It's so flippin' exciting. I realize that your lack of comments is because my current blogs are just flotsam and jetsam called my life floating along in the internet. Mind-numbingly boring stuff. I remember (as many of you do) when my blogs were decent themed pieces of work where I would find a rather obscure/unfunny topic and make it almost controversial.
So, for the end of April, I've got some fabulous material: Pet Peeves I have that are spawned by customers in the grocery store. Keep reading, I'm sure this will be good.
Alrighty, so I work at a grocery store, blah blah blah. It's easy work, and I get to view capitalism at its finest. But consumers in our tiny little town are picky. And irritating at times. Other times they are just plain stupid. I, being the cynic that I am, do not appreciate this uncivilized behaviour. Do you want examples? I've got 'em.
1. Those people who come into the store at least 3 times a day, because they forgot something. Get a bloody list! When you run out of something, write it down!
2. When people tell me where their vehicle is so I can put the groceries in it, but they provide an inaccurate description of the said vehicle or no description at all.
3. Then, when some elderly folk tell me that the groceries can only be on one specific side, and not on their leather seats which are already covered in several large beach towels. They have enough time on their hands that they can walk from their car to their kitchen without the stuff being on that one side.
4. When people carry the bread themselves in fear of me "crushing" it. The reason for putting it on top is SO IT DOESN'T GET SMASHED! AHHHHH!
5. Anyone who buys water softener salt gets on my nerves. 40 pound bags aren't much fun, especially when you don't want to make more than 1 trip, but they buy 3 bags. That means 80 lbs in one hand, another 40 in the other. It really throws off one's balance when walking. Just buy distilled water or deal with tap water. The minerals are good for you.
6. Then there's the people who don't even bother to pull their car around closer to the salt bags. It's a jungle out there, walking across the street where I might get hit by a car.
7. People will tell me their specific car, where to specifically put it, but that spot in the car is already occupied by either baby seats, junk, blankets, or groceries they just bought 5 minutes ago but came back because they "forgot" something.
8. If you buy over $200 of groceries, there is something seriously wrong. Either you adopted one too many kids, your cats haven't eating in weeks, or you are a compulsive spender who didn't write a list, so you buy 5 of every item you think you might need. I've had to take 2 carts out to their car (across the street, and they don't pull around) and then they infringe upon Pet Peeve #7.
That's enough of that. It makes me stressed just writing it. If you or your family or your acquaintances do any of those, tell them we employees don't appreciate it. Unless we are tipped. Tipping makes everything alright. April 09 Random thoughts re-done and re-thought...and this time it flowsI deleted the April 3 blog. It was horrifyingly horrific. Or would it be horrifically horrifying? In any case, I deleted it because it deserved to die. I want everyone to know that I only hire the finest quality control officers for my blog. Anything less than perfect will not be accepted. Of course you don't know about my underpaid child laborers who make The Daily Satire t-shirts. But they get free dental.
Okay, now I believe I have enough random thoughts to compose them into something you should comment on. I've been blogging long enough to know when I've scored a hit blog or when people wonder why I bother taking the time to do it. Example: My first blog ever vs. my sarcasm aptitude test. You know which one is worth reading, because most of you have never even read my first blog. And if you have, you haven't left a comment.
My goal for this blog is to make every paragraph no longer than 4 lines. It will be specifically patterned, yet random and rather free-flowing. Kind of like Shakespeare. Looks like 9th grade english has done something for me. I could take the time to talk about how Shakespeare has influenced me without me even knowing it, but that would take over 4 lines. Priorities first.
I realize now that the 4 line rule I set for myself might not come true because the actual final product will be in a smaller, more "confined" space than the area I am typing in now. I could change the font size, but I have never done that. I'm a creature of habit, which also explains why I am writing this in the first place. Why should I even feel obligated to sit at a computer typing away like this...to be answered in the next paragraph.
Because A) I am bored, and this is one of my 3 things that I do when I'm bored. Playing/listening to music, and eating are the other 2. I took a rare nap today. I must say, it was luxurious. I find that taking naps only once in a rare while is much more beneficial. I can't even say I'm wasting my time because...well...I'm asleep. And I don't talk in my sleep. I rarely even dream. I like dreaming. Maybe that's why I took a nap, so I could
Curses! I have to break in the middle of a sentence. Where was I? so I could...make another opportunity for a chance to dream. I'm almost so dream-deprived that I'd be happy to have one of those nightmares where you are falling...only to wake up with everything but the side of your face and your feet on the floor. Sometimes I'm not even that lucky. I fell out of a bunk bed a few years ago. But the bunk bed is gone now.
Ahhh...6 4-line paragraphs, and this short little ending blurb. I know you think it is beautiful.
March 23 Back by popular demandCrap, I don't even remember when my last blog was. I recall that it was before my birthday. My previous excitement has worn off, but I'm doing my best to be optimistic. My mind is half-empty though. Alas, I have no desire to talk about myself. Except for the fact that I just inspired my subject of blog today. Yes, I will address the issue of THE GLASS. Does it even matter if it is half empty or half full? Seriously. I look at a glass of liquid and I say, "that makes me thirsty!" Now that is optimism. True pessimism would be saying that I refuse to drink the water because it is probably infected with bacteria. Or that is a mental problem. Then again, can't pessimism be a mental problem? I know people who appear to be normal functioning members of society who don't give a crap about the fulness of the said glass. However, they complain about everything that doesn't sit well with their polished, laid-back, pampered lives. If your name starts with a G and ends with a Race, you know exactly who I'm talking about. Ah, the members of our beloved (gag!) track team.
It's cold outside!
wear a sweatshirt you stupid girl
My feet hurt!
don't wear your spikes to practice, stupid boy
This workout doesn't even help me!
track=running, especially if you are long distance
Today was supposed to be an easy workout!
So don't sprint the last half-mile so you can finish first!
In the name of all that is good in the world, why can't these people shut up and run! If I were a track coach, I would be kicking people off the team daily. But I don't complain about the other members of the team. Instead, I choose to find my own little niche and run by myself. Then I can ponder important subjects like this without hearing "my tank is hardly even half-full!" Supposedly that is an optimistic person, but from experience, if you only have half a glass, you aren't looking on the sunny side of things.
And don't disagree with me. I just put myself in a bad mood. March 12 You take the good, you take the bad, there you have it...these are the facts of lifeOuch, everyone. Those comments cut me deep. Like paper cuts. However, I will do my best to give you more than 3 blogs a month. I am no longer in a glass case of emotion. (If you recognize that movie quote, please say so) I'm in birthday mode already. I know you are all keeping track at home, but it is exactly 3 days and 1 hour until I have been alive for 16 years. Someone hit the highlight reel and throw on my theme music. Or just turn on your ipod that you have been using to document every move I've made in my existence. I'm only creeping myself out now. With the consent of the 'rents, I will be driving solo to a Remedy Drive concert next Sunday. I know. You are all excited for me.
Good experience of my 3-day weekend: eating authentic Japanese food. Not authentic as in prepared by asian-looking people at the food court, but made by a classmate of mine who is a foreign exchange student. Google for recipes: sukiyaki, miso soup, tempura, wasabi, and 米. It was international dining...in Iowa! Who woulda thunk it. It was all much better than I was expecting/dreading. My only experience with Japanese food was wasabi dried green peas. They were horrid.
Bad experience of my 3-day weekend: It is snowing like bad dandruff here in IA. In fact, it is terrible. Not the snow itself, but the fact that it is so close to my birthday. I hope every year that there will be no snow at all on the momentous day. Last year it snowed on the 15th. That royally sucked.
Good experience coming up this week: Besides Wednesday, I will be gone all day on Tuesday at a Jazz Band/Show Choir competition in South Dakota. It's probably one of my favorite days of the school year. I am among friends (musicians) yet I am unafraid to make fun of peoples' appearances and/or musical ability. It's okay, our school's already got a reputation...
Bad experience coming up this week: Track practice starts to take off into the real season. Five days a week. I like it when I can just run city streets and country roads, but track workouts on the track aren't so much fun.
Thing that will make bad experience bearable: It did snow, so we will be inside for track, not outside. No running around screaming at sprinters to get out of my way.
Thing that will make bad experience worse: Indoor practice means the possibility of shin splints, and it is overly hot in our school, making for a sweaty Jed. Track shoes are not meant for slippery hallways either.
Academic milestones: The end of the 3rd quarter is on Friday, which means that I am done with PE and move on to probability and statistics, the class I have looked forward to the most.
Academic opposite of what I just said because I can't think of a proper antonym: New class=new homework. New homework=stressed Jed. Stressed Jed=possibly fewer blogs in upcoming months. But that means that I only have one more quarter left. I can nearly taste the care-free summer air. I'm rollin' out. March 05 What does the "A" of S.A.D stand for?Since I haven't gotten a comment since March 1, I decided it's time to blog once again. The birthday is 10 days and 2 1/2 hours away. I'm still amazed at the people who actually take time to read my blog. I was prompted to join myspace by two such people. Luckily that is probably the worst peer pressure I've dealt with in a while. I'm sorry if I crush the hopes of anyone, but I think MSN spaces is slowly dying. Maybe it just has seasonal depression, since I only get about 30 hits per day. Maybe I have seasonal depression. It's entirely possible, since I live in Iowa where everything is currently brown. There's nothing wrong with brown, but to answer the question, "What can brown do for you?", I'd have to say that it makes me depressed. Add in the proximity to greatly increased freedom (my 16th birthday) and you have an anxiety-filled Jed. Then we can talk about the uneventful and rather depressing winter itself. Basketball dominated the coldest season of the year here, and anyone who's ever read the Daily Satire should know my feelings on the sport. Not to mention my job, which I've also complained constantly about. It is significantly worse when slushy snow brings about the introduction of a post-closing activity: mopping. Not enjoyable at all. What keeps me alive and kicking? The people who care enough to tell me that they read my blog. You know who you are. Comments from any of them would make me twice as happy, but hearing from them in person isn't bad. Even for those people who resent the fact that I dOn"T tyPe LikE tHisS.
Although I'm greatful for any encouraging comments from anyone, regardless of whether or not I've ever met them, people will disappoint you. That is why I've found a group of new friends and old ones to keep me company. Those would be the survivors of Lost, the surgeons of M*A*S*H, and Inspector Clouseau. Boxed sets of TV shows or movies that I like will be accepted as birthday presents for me. Ten days away, everyone, ten days....
February 27 Community Calendar: MarchI'm a bad blogger. I'll punish myself by ironing my fingers or wrapping my lips around a lightsaber. Speaking of which, that is my number one thing I want for my 16th birthday, other than my license. Mark The Ides of March on your calendar if you haven't done so already. I know how meaningful the day Julius Caesar can be for some of you, but it's much more exciting since I was born on that day. Despite the proximity to the overly commercialized holiday of St. Patrick's Day, I'd say it is the best time for a birthday. It's perfectly spaced for when I graduate between Christmas and graduation. Unfortunately, I will not be done with high school for another 2 years. If you do live within 100 miles of my hometown, you can make a reservation for me to come visit you with my new-found automotive freedom. Make them soon, because weekends in March are filling up quickly. Did I mention you have to pay for gas? Depending on how much I like anyone who does happen to want to spend time with me, I might forego that simple request.
That is the most important event in March. Then there's the mind-numbing monotony of extra-curriculars. Track starts March 6, which is one of my better sports. I just got new shoes. Google "asics gel komodo" to see a picture. They were the first pair of shoes I saw in the store, and I had one of those moments where a choir shows up behind me and a beam of red light shined down on that shoe. Then the moment was over, and I realized that I needed air fresheners for them. They're those little ball things that you twist and they smell like detergent. It sounds like a gimmick, but they are very useful. Just thought you'd like to know. March also brings about solo and ensemble contest, but I'm only doing the ensembles. I had a bad experience my freshman year, because it was the same day as a track meet. I had the flu, but decided to run the 2-mile anyway. I only completed 7 of 8 laps because the officials couldn't count and literally pulled me off the track. Then I collapsed and vomited several times to the horror of the track team. Then I went and played a tuba solo and 2 ensembles. I would show you a picture if I had one, because you would see me with my standard curly hair, yet frizzy that day because of the humidity, pale skin, bloodshot eyes, a track top, and corduroys. I looked totally stoner-iffic. All in all, that day included nothing but a disqualification and 3 II ratings for band. I am now tired, and once again a blog will end conveniently right before Seinfeld is on, so I'll be back in March.
Peace February 13 We're in the home stretchBasketball season is finally coming to a close. On Thursday, I will play my last JV game, and unless I am bribed with ridiculous amounts of cash, it will be my last high school game. I'd go over season and career highlights, but no such thing exists. Instead, you can read about the best of the worst for basketball.
5th/6th grade: AAU tournaments. More on this later. I was sick for our 1 5th grade tournament, and throughout middle school, we won only 2 or 3 games. We had some colorful high school coaches who wore t-shirts advertising alcohol to the tournaments. Way to make a good initial impression on the volunteer refs.
7th grade saw the beginning of actual school basketball. We got the worst jerseys that were last worn by the teams you see in trophy case pictures from 10 years ago. The screen-printed graphics were terribly cracked, and chaffed your entire body even when a shirt was worn underneath them.
8th grade was when we were playing away and the 7th graders were playing at home. The opposing team sent the wrong bus, so we ended up playing the 7th graders. We lost. Badly.
Our first freshman basketball game was against a non-conference team we had never played before. The entire team was composed of 6'4" lean African Americans or Europeans who had no trouble beating us 91-22. This is a freshman game with 7 minute quarters. 3 points per minute may not seem like a lot, but it sure made that game seem long.
This year, we have almost been decent. We've only won 2 games, but several of our losses have been within 20 points. However, the effort is not worth the feeling of "almost." I've worked my tail off only to see a personal 18% shooting average. My potential assists result in our post player rolling a lay-up off the rim. Our practices are mostly just sprinting up and down the floor. As you may know, I am a distance runner. I run the 2-mile, not sprints. Oh well. Our coach is a really nice guy, and I can say that I played basketball in high school, which is enough to get me a spot on the Caltech basketball team, along with a perfect ACT score. Oh the priorities.
2/14 Oh yeah, screw Valentine's Day. It's a close second to President's Day for the stupidest reason for department stores to have a sale. Even worse is when car dealers have "holiday" sales. All I got today was a sucker from my homeroom teacher. February 01 How Much I Hate the New Space LayoutI'm sure that this is an overused topic recently on everyone's blog, but I feel like complaining about it. Why? Because it sucks. MSN spaces has now gone from classic styled blogging to the new "fashionable" blogging world. Maybe it's because my peers are used to Xanga or Myspace, which are both designed for bloggers who only tell about how hard they partied last weekend. Now everyone gets to keep track of social networks and who's dating who. Of coarse MSN has to be politically correct and can't put "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" for someone's relationship, they have to put "significant other." The only thing worse than being overly secular is being overly indecisive. The only good thing I can say about the whole shebang is that now I can request to view someone's space that is blocked because the imbeciles don't know how to put their permissions on public. This would be a much longer rant, but alas, Jed must retire for he has jazz band rehearsal tomorrow morning. After the first few comments, I'll add a little bit more, because I can get some sympathy points for doing it then. January 25 listening to alt rock does have its perksThank you all for your ideas on how to combat boredom. I had a dream today. I don't remember it, but I'm certain that I was sleeping in school. That's twice within 1 semester. I also listened to some music on my mp3 player, but only at lunch and homeroom. I have decided that the generic term for mp3 player is "ipod." Maybe it was the white headphone cord, but everyone assumed that I was a fad-following techie. Of course I had to explain that it was a Creative Zen Nano, which brought about the question: "So you have an ipod nano?" If anyone cares, Creative copyrighted "Nano" before Apple, so there. Then I had to explain why I wasn't listening to music that everyone else listens to.
Music is a funny thing. There are really only 2 genres. Mainstream and indie. And there's something people listen to called country, but that isn't music. Mainstream is what everyone listens to even if they don't like it because all of their peers like it. Actually, their peers don't like it either, they just read in their Teen People magazine that you should listen to Top 40 music or you will die. As all teens know, Teen People is the only reliable source for advice on life or death decisions. Personally, I like indie music because I get to name-drop. Someone asks what I'm listening to, and when I tell them the name of some obscure, unsigned band that is surprisingly good, I'm revered as the insider for upcoming stars. At least that's the philosophy behind listening to indie music. Usually I get an awkward eyebrow-raise and a sigh of disappointment, but I know they go home and have it stuck in their head. It's a badge of honor to be a fan of a band that nobody else knows. Someone telling me that indie music is bad is like a white person in Iowa trying to tell me 50 Cent hasn't sold out. I could argue, but I choose not to.
Enough of my ranting about musical tastes. I can't change your mind, and you can't change mine, so let's all argue some more like radical atheists and radical Christians! Actually, I already said that I choose not to argue, because it's just not worth it. But I'm glad you read this far anyway. Maybe you learned something. Jed needs to go find some food. January 18 El Horario (I wish I still had Spanish)Time for a much needed update!
I'm really not that excited. I'm actually preparing myself for lengthy sessions of being lethargic while pondering the meaning of life when I am supposed to be enthusiastically...writing down vocabulary words! If that doesn't excite me, I don't think anything this second semester of school will. Except for the fact that I have the opportunity to daydream. Here's my schedule, which may not appear to be a slacker one, but the classes at our school notoriously fit into that category:
Block 1: Choir then Band. Not really classes, but they are a staple in my schedule. Kind of like how macaroni and cheese. It's not that beneficial, it gets boring after a while, but there is always some new gimmick that suckers you into thinking it's halfway decent. Choir more so than band. I like band. Enough said.
Block 2: Physical Education. This is a despised class because A) It is in the morning, so I run the risk of being sweaty for the rest of the day B) I don't need to set apart time to be physically fit. I'm 6'2", 140 pounds, and I'm just as active eating doritos and playing videogames as I am running the 2-mile. (Both of which I do regularly) C) My class pretty much sucks, except for the foreign exchange student from Japan. He's pretty cool.
Block 3: Biology. Some people may say that biology is the hardest class in their school, but I beg to differ. Our teacher is an upper-middle aged woman who talks in an old-personish voice that is really high. She will trail off her sentences and they sound incomplete, but the pitch of her voice is only reaching frequency levels audible to bats. I'm sure that any bats in the surrounding area would be screaming in horror at this phenomenon. The curriculum consists of writing down vocabulary words, taking tests, and the occassional worksheet or lab. Daily grades are most often completion, so she told us to do it to the best of our abiliteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Sweet Lady of Guadalupe, I love slack classes.
Block 4: World History. Rounding out the day is a class taught by a mustachioed middle-aged man who is the complete opposite of the word "chauvinist." I think he took that whole "fairer sex" thing too far. I don't want to dig myself into a mud-slinging, name-calling fight with a feminist, but if you really want to see my point of view on this subject, read the archives. Most of you have, and I commend you. Ah, yes, world history. That's what I told myself after losing a game of tetris on my calculator. This class is so boring that my trusty TI-83+ is going to be getting significant playing time. Each chapter we do vocab, study guide, test. As filler for "additional supplementary material" we take notes and watch B-class politically correct movies that are "relevant" to the material. Example: We watched "The Last of the Mohicans" last year in American History. It was not "based on" the book by James Fennimore Cooper, but it should say it was "inspired by" the book, since the two at least have the same title and characters.
So please, say a prayer for me that I won't get caught eating M&M's in biology, that I don't fall asleep in history, and that I will survive P.E. since I'm so lazy and fat. January 06 Feeling Reminiscent...In A Bad WayI was just thinking about what it was like in elementary school. I thought for a long time because I couldn't remember much. Here's my account of how much it both sucked and was heaven at the same time.
1. In the winter, the asphalt lot where we had recess iced over, so we would all take turns sliding on it. If we were feeling really rebellious, we'd slide standing up, not on our butts.
The downside was that to even go out to recess in the winter, you had to bring snowboots and snowpants. If you forgot, you couldn't stay inside, you just had to stand against the wall and chit-chat with the other poor souls who did the same.
2. I made the personal choice not to eat school lunch. It disgusted me to have bad food prepared by people I didn't know. Instead, I would make a sandwich and stuff an apple and some cookies in my super-techno temperature retaining lunchbox.
The downside of that was that I was (and still occassionally am) ridiculed for choosing not to eat the grease-soaked slop that everyone else carefully carried (with 2 hands) to the tables.
3. Lunch was the highlight of every day (besides recess), except for when I forgot my lunchbox.
A downside of lunch was that you had to sit at the same table as your class. There was no choice, so we'd pray that we were in the same class as our friends.
4. I got to take math a year ahead of my classmates, so I got to miss out on some of the most boring stuff on earth. (ISL. More on that later) Heck, in 3rd grade I played football at recess with the 4th grade boys. (Popularity comes in odd ways) I even did 4th grade fun crafts as a 3rd grader and always got in on a 4th grader's birthday cake.
The problem with that is that now I despise 90% of the juniors who were once innocent 4th graders. The ones I now like never played football at recess.
5. Okay, missing out on ISL was one of the greatest highlights and I'll tell you why: it was the worst thing our freakin' administration could ever do to us. We sat at a computer and learned how to manipulate the keys to perform simple math games that were entirely beneath me. I probably was looking for cheat codes while my peers were struggling with adding 4 and 9. Our teacher was an old lady called Mrs. Craven (think raven). She walked around and looked over our shoulders.
The pattern stops here temporarily. There was absolutely nothing wrong with missing that class.
6. We had parties for every holiday. There was a little committee of students who organized it. I always went home and hoarded my candy. My favorite was Valentine's Day because everyone was forced to like everyone else. That meant that if you bought "cool" valentines, everyone got one. I just threw out some of the shiniest ones a few weeks ago.
The downside is that soon after, in middle school, everyone found out that they can leave more "personal" valentines to the "cute" boy/girl they liked. I never got one. And I'm still bitter.
7. At our elementary, we had lockers, which made us super mature. When we were the top-dogs, the 4th graders, we got lockers that were a little bigger.
Unfortunately, since none of us really changed in size much through elementary, we could now fit into the lockers, where we were sometimes trapped.
Overall, we had almost no freedoms, but we didn't have any big responsibilities either. Grades were either a U or an S (unsatisfactory or satisfactory) That means the stupid people could sometimes score higher than me because you would lose points on the U-S scale for being socially inept. I remember in 3rd grade, a girl asked me what book I was reading (The 21 Balloons) and how many points it was worth. (We had Accelerated Reader http://www.renlearn.com/ar/) I innocently told her it was 26 points, an amount approximately equal to her preset goal. That sent her off the deep end, so she told my teacher, who accused me of bragging. Screwed by the system at age 9.
December 29 A Plethora of Holiday CheerI hope you all had a fabulous Christmas. I certainly did, and that is why I haven't written an entry for so long. Besides my vacation being partially ruined by basketball practice, there have only been a few quirky mishaps that can only happen when every person under the age of 25 is not is school.
Let's talk about pinatas. My pinata, to be exact, the one I have created for Spanish class, and was assigned to decorate over break. After paper-meche-ing the whole thing, it sat on the floor, where it was eaten by my dog. Not completely, but I had to stay up til 3 in the morning one Saturday eve to re-do it. Then I decorated it in the image of the Great Strong Bad of Homestarrunner.com. It looks pretty sweet, except that I ran out of red tissue paper. My Spanish teacher promised to leave some out so we could pick it up after basketball practice, but it was not there today. That made me mad, and I went into a fury comparable to that of King Kong.
I want to compliment myself for such a wonderful lead-in to my next subject. King Kong. The movie was awesome, even though there was almost no dialogue for half the movie. I considered buying the videogame, which I have a demo of, but I thought it would be much too difficult for me, and I don't like first-person games very much. Then, I played it at Best Buy on the Xbox 360. I almost peed my pants when I got my leg eaten off by a dinosaur. (this is all on the game, of course) My neighbor rented it, so I was playing with him, and I know that I have to get that game. It's simply amazing.
Do you all remember when I ranted about going to Mathcounts? I don't care if you do or don't, but I want you all to know that I still get mail from them. I suppose it's legal because I had to give them my address, but what is very disturbing is that my parents get mail from them. This is not just any ordinary junk mail, (actually, it probably is), but they got a pamphlet asking them for money. The system already screwed me over once, so why should they give them money? Then I saw that they could become Platinum Supporters if they gave over $1000. I'm sure you are all envious because you have never in your life had the chance to become a platinum donor. The only time I'm ever gonna be a donor will be when I'm dead and they are harvesting my organs. (internal, not musical)
I'd give you a complete inventory of all my gifts, but it's not important. I got an mp3 player, a French press, (a type of coffee maker for you non-connoisseurs) and various other gifts that I enjoy but don't feel like going upstairs to look at. Have a happy New Year. I won't. I have to work all day on New Year's Eve, then I have a basketball game on the 2nd. That should be outlawed, because the 2nd is the day celebrated as New Year's by UPS and the national postal service because the actual holiday is on a day the workers have off. So watch the ball drop, kiss at midnight, get drunk, and sing Auld Lang Syne, because I'm going to bed early that night because I have to mop the entire store by myself. Like a loyal Cubs fan, I am used to saying, "maybe next year."
December 20 You only think this is a new blog
That, my friends, was the second blog I wrote. I got one comment. That is because nobody cared if I had a wonderfully carefree afternoon that was ruined by the scheduling of the community little league team. I now have a total of over 1000 comments. I think I've read every one of them. Now, I'm closing in on 25,000 page views, which would be the perfect Christmas present for me. Just another milestone. Kinda like how I'm excited because I've almost got 180,000 miles on my Honda. Truth is, I hate milestones. They only signify that I reached a certain goal that contains several more zeroes than the former statistics. What is not cool is that I like numbers with lots of zeroes. I had this almanac when I was younger (I know, I'm still a nerd) that had the names for every number with large zeroes. Billion, trillion, quadrilion, quentillion, sextillion, septillion. That was from memory. Yes, I would be devastated if I won one million dollars exactly, then found out that I had to pay an uneven number of dollars and cents for taxes.
To all of you in the blog world, don't have a crappy holiday season. I won't tell you it has to be wonderful, but don't agonize over the fact that you got nine christmas cookies, which is just one short of ten. Please. I am begging you to not be as paranoid as me. It won't be the end of the world if you forget to unplug the christmas lights. It might be for your house, which would result in something very hot. (not tacos) I think I've finally gotten over being like that. Being a nitpicky anal person really isn't as fun as it sounds. It actually doesn't sound fun at all to me, but it might pleasantly tickle a reader's senses.
Okay, I just proofread this blog, and I'm pretty sure that it is a sign from the computer gods that I need to go to bed. I really need sleep. I already took 2 naps today. Forgive me for being such an idiot. I really don't care if you like large numbers with several zeroes. Go ahead and party when you receive your 100th christmas CD that you won't listen to 364 days out of the year. Nothing is stopping you, but something like a large train should. If you are on the other side of the world, enjoy your lunch break. If you are like me and being an insomniac, take some Nyquil and pass out on the couch.
Merry Freakin' Christmas
12/22/05 I just checked my settings and I had 25034 views. It wasn't as exciting as I had hoped. December 11 Anonymous CommentsI don't know why they do it, but there are those significant individuals who love to anonymously comment on my space. I'm pretty sure they're scared of me, because I was involved in a couple of knife fights in Iowa, and I'm a hacker. (Not to mention how I poison candy and leave it on the sidewalk) They may not have a space of their own, so I respect their desire to participate. (Until they ask me to email them sometime and they don't leave an email address) Because of what you bring to my space (insults, swear words, comments with thirty exclamation marks) or lack thereof (links to your space), I will dedicate an entire blog to you. Feel free to leave some more of your own. This might have to be a two or three parter, because there are so many. Let's start from the beginning. I'll add a few of my own remarks as we view this creative collage of anonymity in contrasting italics.
This is still an unsolved mystery. If the real PinaColada977 is reading this, please reveal yourself.
December 10 Today I'm feeling: cynicalIn case anyone cares, especially the person who felt the need to "correct" me, Napoleon Dynamite is spelled just like that. It is not Napolean. So, to answer your question, yes, I am more of an intellectual than you. (Not all of you. Most of you are on the same level. You and me are more intellectual than him.)
Another question I can answer from another stupid anonymous comment: Yes, I can drive at 15. I could actually drive at 14 years of age, but I am no longer that age. That is one of the greatest things about living in Iowa. So whether you are a jealous minor or a worried mother, I can, I will, and I do drive a vehicle.
Okay, I was just about to say my cynical feeling is gone, but then MSN crashes on me, and I can't do anything internet-related that is powered by Microsoft. By forces unknown to us underlings controlled by MSN, I have suddenly been allowed back. I'll bet this play-by-play is very exciting to you all, but I can't help but be angry.
I must be going to bed, I'm going gift-purchasing (not shopping, shopping is going from store to store without buying anything. I plan to spend, spend, spend) then going to see The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe. That sounds like 3 separate movies.
Don't worry, I'll be back with a longer blog soon-ish. I'll leave that to your interpretation. Ish means whatever you want it to mean.
Peace out y'all
Jed
I took great pleasure in reading those first 3 comments (from the bottom). Actually number one and three. Number two, you deserve a cookie or something. I hate it when I'm wrong. That is one of the only times I don't mind being insulted. The other is when I ask to be insulted, and I believe numbers one and three can find two blogs where I do that if they care enough to search the archives. I do appreciate both comments, and I encourage more. I never delete them, so people know what is going on and they can make their own decision of whether I'm a rude, cocky, sexist, conservative. For commenter number one, and anyone else who is interested, I'm quite sure that my parents are proud of me for writing this. I mean, they taught me that being legalistic isn't always good. My dad actually doesn't like being called "Reverend" because it's too polite. That's just the way we roll here in the E. Free church. I did my best to figure out what the phrase "I am younger to you" meant, and apparently you are a street-smart person younger than me. My newest blog will be a compilation of every anonymous comment I have ever received. You will all enjoy it. December 04 My one true complain-about-everything blogI am not in my usual jovial, fun-loving mood lately. It's impossible to always be like that. My time for being miserable has come. Here's the top (actually bottom) events in recent history.
1. I have basketball. I really don't like it. I'll get plenty of playing time because we only have 5 sophomores and 5 freshmen on the JV team, and I'm one of the starters. It's the practice that sucks. Our school doesn't have a wrestling room, they just use half of the old gym. Meanwhile, there are 6 teams that need to practice (boys and girls freshmen, JV, and Varsity) That means that only 3 can practice at once, each time using only half of a gym. Therefore, the other 3 teams must start practice at 5, but we have to be there at 4:30, then practice goes til 7:30. The boys' teams have gotten the short end of the deal, because we end up having late practice much more often.
2. Next we have the weather. The snow has caused several late starts and early outs, which is good, but on Friday, the varsity bball game got postponed, so we had practice that night. It was snowing and blowing on the way home, and my poor little Honda couldn't handle my hot breath, so the windows fogged up while I was driving. If you can guess where this is going, pat yourself on the back. Yep. I went into the ditch. I drifted into the other lane (I almost peed my pants), hit some ice, fishtailed, spun a couple of times, then ended up in the opposite ditch facing the other way. Thankfully, I had a cell phone, and some of my friends were just driving back from practice. Screwed by the system once again. I am uninjured, and my car only suffered a minor injury: it lost the trim piece on the passenger door. Then it got bent by the snowmobiles that drove over it.
3. I have a cold. It hurts to swallow. Pity me, because I'm much too pathetic to do it myself. I think it might be because I had my window down to try and clear up my windshield. Yesterday didn't help, because I had to work, and carry groceries out for every little old lady. And I had to shovel (not "scoop" as some Iowans call it) snow the rest of the time. On the roof too. Then I stayed at the store another hour and a half after closing because I had to mop the dirty floor from all of the snow that was tracked in.
4. It is illegal to work over 8 hours in a day if your are under 16, and I think you can't work past 7. I stayed til 7:15, which means I worked about 8 and a half hours. During that time, I checked the time on my cell phone, then left it in the store, forgot about it, then restrained myself from using "colorful" language when I remembered I forgot it. I didn't want to call my boss because he just swore at me for not mopping correctly a few short minutes ago. I called his house, and luckily got his daughter, who is a much more understanding, compassionate person. I got the phone back, after we had to call it to locate it. I thanked her profusely, and went home.
Then I ended it all by going to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was oh-so-relaxing, we were the only ones in the theater, and I even talked to a friend briefly on my beloved cell phone. He made fun of me for going into the ditch, so I hung up on him.
I just remembered that I have to complain about you. Are you ready? I don't care who you are, if I like you, or if you have a wonderful personality, complexion, or dog. Spell Napoleon correctly. Make a note of that, and not just a mental one. Write it down. It is not "Napolean." I'm proud of you for sounding it out and doing your best, just like your first grade teacher taught you, but you are in the real world now, where you will be ripped apart for such a grammatical faux pas. N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N then either Dynamite or Bonaparte, both of which should be equally difficult to enunciate. November 27 Jed is a nerdIt's true. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a nerd. I don't do it just so people feel sympathetic for me because it's true. There are several things that qualify me for this prestigious position, none of them being fashion related. I must say, mine is close to perfection. However, I am a math geek. It is my favorite subject. (not necessarily my favorite class this year) I make jokes about math that only a select few understand. I also play the tuba. It that doesn't scream NERD!!!!!!! in your face, go make out with your all-state band boyfriend. Not that I'm trying to stereotype. It just comes to me naturally. And that is why I'm not a complete nerd. I'm much too judgemental. In a good way. Our school is too small to have organizations for the common nerd. There is no chess club, no Young Engineers of America, or other crap along those lines.
The worst I can say is that I was involved in Mathcounts, the massive, multi-state algebra competition. I led my team to state in 8th grade with a personal first place finish at districts. We got 2nd as a team that year and 3rd the year before, when I finished 9th overall. Ah, the memories. I will tell you about that trip. I remember it very vividly. We got up bright and early to take a suburban down to Drake University in Des Moines for our big moment as mathletes. I had a terribly bad throat, and I drank about 10 full bottles of water, pop, flavored water, limited edition pop, ice water, diluted pop, etc, etc. Every time we stopped, I had to fulfill my throat's desire for liquid. We arrived, and I was not feeling too good, not only because of my sore throat, but also because I had to ride in a 'burban with our algebra teacher who can't drive. Period. I get very motion sick in those sort of situations. We began our day with the hundreds of other happy mathletes by listening to some idiots from an organization who threw their money at mathcounts so they could search for potential candidates for their newest project. At least they seemed to be athletic scouts, scoping out the blossoming engineers.
I pretty much sucked at it all, but that didn't matter, because I got a cool button and free post-it notes. Oh yeah, then we rode home, and me and another girl took off to a Student Council lock-in at the middle school, where I drank another 4 gallons of fluid. Then I went home because I think I had some sort of basketball tournament the next day. Or else it was my birthday. I lost track during the busy schedule as a middle-schooler. I'm pretty sure I slept for 12 hours straight on that afternoon. That makes me sleepy. It is 12:42 AM. Goodnight. November 22 Get Your Copy Now!Once again, I find myself the victim of blog neglect. Throw me in jail so I might feel a sliver of remorse. Dang, I'm poetic. Nothing has been happening in my (a)pathetic life. I was at TEC again last weekend. It was once again, the sweetest thing I could do besides my advanced math homework. My newest favorite line was said by a fellow student in reference to trig functions: "I eat cotangents for breakfast...without milk!" We are hardcore in that class. Oh yeah, and I'm getting a B+. That is kinda funny, because I'm all of a sudden more apathetic than normal. I have confidence that I'll bring that up. Please, pray for me to your pagan gods with sacrifices of young goats and calculus textbooks.
Basketball has started. It is not my favorite sport. It used to be highly rated, but JV basketball is too competitive for me. I'm highly considering quitting next year. I get to spend my Thanksgiving vacation at a scrimmage against a school that I didn't even know had a basketball team. I get to be at our high school at 7:30 IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING!!!!! I would normally be sleeping off my turkey hangover, but apparently good ol' coach tells me I have better things to do. Oh, the priorities. I have also made the decision to play no sports in college, except for maybe intramural lacrosse, because lacrosse is the sweetest sport ever, even though I've never played it.
I'm happy. Life is decent, despite math that is the spawn of satan and being rubbed with sweat from fat people who smell like potatoes, it truly is not bad. I've got the next two TECs to look forward too, not to mention the holiday season. May your holiday season be filled with joy, peace, and snorting in laughter as you read this. Not that I hope you choke. I'm sure someone would miss you.
Jed The Avenger November 15 Read the Archives you fools!Thank you to the 40-some people who left a comment or 2 on my last blog or the guestbook. I'm proud to say that it was the most highly commented on blog since my highly debated, hated, and overall irritating Jed Carlson Standardized Test of Sarcasm Aptitiude. I'm not actually going to write an intriguing blog full of manipulation and guilt trips this time, because I have taken it upon myself to modify my space. I am going to add my favorite blogs, many of which are in the archives which most of you never bother to open. You will appreciate the anthology of The Daily Satire. This must begin with the early blogs, those that only got less than 10 comments, but should be included with current favorites. November 07 Leave me a commentDue to the prompting of a certain someone, I am supposed to write a new blog. I know you all are dying to know what has come onto Jed's mind that he wants to share with all his readers. Keyword: All. That's what I want to talk about. Yes, you. Maybe not all of you, but all of you who have been reading my blog without commenting. My mind is boggled by this behavior. I have a guestbook. Even if you don't want to get involved in criticising my regular blog, at least let me know you've been here. If you don't have your own space, comment anyway. I've been getting all sorts of people come up to me or finally comment on my space telling me that they've been reading it for several months now. People from school, friends of friends, old people, anonymous people, the list goes on and on. Here's the top five reasons why they don't leave comments and why they should:
1. They have never contacted an author before. The only problem with that is that this is not a book, and I am not an author. This is a blog that is updated by a 15 year old trying to find an outlet for his writing other than essays over short stories in English, one of which I still have to do tonight. Be a liberal world changer and leave me a comment.
2. They don't have a Microsoft Passport. It's not that hard. Are you feeling left out because you can't leave a comment? Do you want to participate in calling me a sexist? You will see stuff to get an MSN passport all over the place. Make up a corny email so you can tell the world, especially me, that you exist. Make sure you utilize this new-found freedom and leave me a comment.
3. Maybe you just started reading this within the past week. Nothing wrong with that. But maybe you have just installed some new antivirus, anti-spyware, popup blocking, spam blocking super software that will block out even simple blogs like mine because it is just making sure that I don't hack your PC and steal all of your precious poems, pictures, and pirated music and videos. My advice: disable that crap and leave a comment.
4. Maybe you read my blog, I know you read it, and you have even talked with me about it. Does that make a difference? Do you think you have special privileges because you know the administrator, president, and CEO of The Daily Satire? I don't think so. Leave me a comment.
5. Possibly you actually don't give a crap about the Daily Satire. This could be because of personal prejudices, accidental clicks with the mouse, or you googled for nude pictures and somehow found my site. If you have done the first two, I'll let you know that it's nothing personal, and you made the best accident of your life. Now leave me a comment. As for option three, I'm not even gonna touch that one. People can be so gross sometimes. November 01 HolidaysI am very opinionated on holidays. My favorites are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. Yep, your typical traditional holiday lover, and I'll tell you why: because they are traditional. And because those are the longest breaks from school. Pardon me, I just remembered that I'm wrong. Public schools have to be politically correct, so those are winter and spring breaks.
Holidays like Halloween, Independence Day, and New Year's Day just don't do it for me. They should just be designated as party days, each with their own special way of partying. One involves pranks, the next involves explosives, and the last one involves staying up all night. To tell the truth, I have more fun with my friends when I can do all three of those in one night.
Then we have all of the serious holidays. Memorial Day, Veterans' Day, Presidents' Day, and the rest are important, but really don't have much meaning for me personally, except that I have to play patriotic tunes for band.
Labor Day is in a group all by itself. I always like it because that is when Lifelight is, but I really don't understand why it's a holiday. Again, it should be a designated day off.
Now we'll get into some recognized dates that I love to rip apart. Things like "Talk Like a Pirate Day," "Geneology Day," and National Orthodontic Health month. This is wading across the river into my land of infuriating subjects. It is just the sheer number of such awareness months, weeks, and days. I'm pretty sure that it is impossible to talk like a pirate, hug trees, be a lesbian, and enter a hot-dog eating contest. Correct me if I'm wrong. I think it wouldn't be too bad if there was an official committee to decide these things. I'd recommend determining the 365 most important things to be aware of, and designate 1 day for them. Or they could cycle all 2000 (I'm estimating) days every year. Just so long as there is one event per day. I really can't handle more. I found a database PDF online with all of them. Expample: June 16, 2004 was National Boss Day, Cut up your Credit Card Day, Sweetest Day, and World Food Day. To me, that sounds like the day AFTER christmas, because you have sucked up to your boss, spent thousands of dollars, and eaten traditional food from whatever freaking culture you are from. That would make it not the Sweetest Day, whatever it might really be, but instead a day where you are contemplating suicide, but know you can't because your boss would cry, your credit would be passed on to your family, and you are so fat that you cannot even lift your weapon to do away with your pitiful self. Now THAT, my friends, is a holiday.
6, 2, and even, over and out
Jed October 31 My Blog is DehydratedIt has suffered through 11 days without being updated. Once again, I am doing homework late at night, but this is makeup work because I was gone all weekend, and slept in today. Now I have to go to school tomorrow to take an advanced math test at 7:45. I can't even remember everything that has gone on since then. I was at TEC since Thursday afternoon, and I can't explain it to everyone, because a portion of my readers can not hear any of the surprises. If you want some background info, google for Teens Encounter Christ. That was all fun and tiring, but during the weekend, my tongue began to hurt very badly. I thought it was a canker sore, but when I got home, everyone told me that it was my wisdom teeth coming in, which strained my sensitive tongue nerve. I'm very glad that I am typing this instead of giving an oral presentation, because it is kind of hard to talk. And swallow. Anyway, this is just a quick update to let everyone know that I am not dead. I hope you all had a happy holiday today. You pagans. I'll write about holidays and other stuff tomorrow. You can finally be happy once again.
Jed
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