Common phrases in public establishments that I despise

Jedidiah's profileThe Daily SatirePhotosBlogLists

Tools

Help

< Previous Next >

26 July

Common phrases in public establishments that I despise

1. How may I help you?

What's this, I hear? Is Burger King giving its minimum-wage employees some classy manners? What they really mean to ask is "What do YOU want!?!?"

2. Can I help you find something?

Between looking at 8 hundred dollar mohagany bookshelves and spare parts for Barbie's convertible, I'm approached with this question. I don't have enough courage to say what I'm thinking: "Do I actually look like the kind of person who would buy what I've been looking at? You are a stupid man. A stupid, stupid man."

3. An answer to the question "what kinds do you have?"

Example 1: Fancy restaurant, waiter listing off salad dressings: "We have almond bleu cheese, a robust yet creamy dressing, a raspberry hazelnut vinegarette, a fruity, [duh] nutty [DUH!!!] light dressing, it's fat free, and our house french, which I highly recommend." The customer looks up hopefully and asks: "Do you have ranch?"

Example 2: Casual restaurant, waitress holds out hand, counting on her fingers, with her eyes rolled to the back of her head as far as possible, searching the depths of her extensive memory for every carbonated beverage available: "We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi, Mountain Dew, umm... Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, Sierra Mist, Root Beer, and...er...Grape, Orange, Dr. Pepper, and we also have milk, juice, and hot chocolate." "What kind of juice do you have?" asks the customer, and the whole things starts all over again.

4. How's everything coming here?

I hate when waiters ask this. It's like they expect something to go wrong. Why don't we let them perform surgery on us right there so they can observe our digestive systems for themselves? Or even better, to have them call us in a day or two and ask the same thing, just to make sure we didn't get food poisoning.

5. Thank you!

What's that supposed to mean? Every time I leave a public establishment, I hear a feeble voice calling this after me. Thank you for what? Not spitting on the floor? Not shoplifting? Wearing a shirt and shoes? All of the above? So please, next time be specific: "Thank you for coming into our store, even though you didn't buy anything and you forced our best clerk into retirement."

The only salesmen I truly appreciate are shoe salesmen. They seem to have a passion for what they do. They know every little quirk about every pair of shoes. I've even struck up meaningful conversation with shoe salesmen when they are sizing my feet. They can usually convince customers to buy a pair of socks to accesorize with their newly purchased footwear.

12:35 | View trackbacks (1) | Blog it

Comments (15)

To add a comment, sign in with your Windows Live ID (if you use Hotmail, Messenger, or Xbox LIVE, you have a Windows Live ID). Sign in

Don't have a Windows Live ID? Sign up

	Kaitlinwrote: Wow your space is pretty cool! I wish I could write blogs as well as you do! 10 June
	JOJOwrote: add me too !!!! 14 Mar.
	Rev.Casey wrote: I won't comment on your "public phrases," but I wonder why you think shoe sales clerks are so "passionate." One might think so since they have to deal with smelly feet all day. But a few years ago, shoe clerks would loosen up the laces of the shoes you were trying on, put them on your feet, and then lace them up. Now you're lucky if they loosen up the laces. Very few will be so humble and helpful as to actually tie up the laces for you. I think you could easily come up with a rubric for "Shoe Sales Passion." 24 Jan.
	UpsidedownTamara wrote: My pet peeve is the waiter who says: Hi my name is Jo ... and I am here to help you to day. And how are you? I would really like to answer that one day by pooring out all my problems on that persons lap. Because they don't give a fly Expletive how I am! So if you don't really CARE don't ask... 1 Sept.
	josebellagamba wrote: Funny site, man... love the sarcasm... anyway... I was just thinking of something else that people at the counter in McDonald's and Burger King say (at least here in Chile), which is "What will you be having today?"... I have to say that my response is always the same "Same thing as last week", which leaves them absolutely off balance... Come to think about it, they also ask "Is Coke your drink?" ... "if it was mine, I wouldn't be buying it...." Just letting you know of some more phrases that I hate in public service.... One last thing, How did you get that "Tranlate my site" thing... it's awesome... besides, I write in spanish and english, and it's a lot of work!!! Lol Congrats on your page, once again. 29 July
	Erin50324 wrote: Ooo. This isnt a "common phrase in public establishments" it's more of just a common phrase...but it bothers me. Why do people say "You can't have your cake and eat it too?" If it's my cake, why can't I eat it? And yes, I know that it is actually just a symbolic phrase that really has nothing to do with cake. But even so, it's a stupid phrase. Just my thoughts.... 27 July
	Slyclever77 wrote: Angela here, Well I haven't been to ur space in a long time but you have gone past ur limits your space is off the hook. Well i would have hoped we would have stayed friends but it seems ur not interested. well I luv ur space and i hope ya stay real and have fun with track. Luv always, Angela 27 July
	Melissa wrote: YES!..I work at Pizza Ranch and I say those things...i'm glad they annoy you? haha...gotta do it though...oh well! 27 July
	Danimal6222 wrote: yeah, add me too. djwise_22@hotmail.com 26 July
	jedidiah_the_avenger wrote: Take a good look at the comment before JMsBeautifulSoul14 Then go to Josh's space. Then click the link to her space in her comment on Josh's most recent link. Enjoy the unprecedented use of swear words in her comment on Josh's space. Also notice how she came back for more to Josh's space and found mine. Another observation is that she puts her permissions to public, yet asks us to stay out of her business. I wish I could report people who don't understand the full features of MSN spaces. I should start a custom list of hate mail. So if she does in fact visit here again, which I give a 60% possibility rating, please read my cute little mission statement at the top. Keepin' it Classy 26 July
	JMsBeautifulSoul14 wrote: hey add me ok, my email address is sam_drozd_52@hotmail.com, add me so we can talk more than just in comments. Sam 26 July
	-_-Natassia-_- wrote: Your little friend is the one that came on my blog and wrote stuff on there first. So dont even try to "attack" me.I was just sticking up for myself. And who are you going to report me to? There was/is no reason that you BOYS need to be in my business...so stay out!Peace out! 26 July
	Chris wrote: You seem to like to go to random people's blogs and commenting. In that spirit I am commenting on your blog! I suppose I ought to think of another phrase that is spoken in "public establishments" to fully participate in your blog. One such phrase is "have a good day." I don't really despise that phrase, but it is the only one I could think of. Well, have a good day. 26 July
	Danimal6222 wrote: Haha, Don't forget the phrase, oh, i'm sorry, we're all out of that. What in the world are you sorry for? If my grandma died you could say I'm sorry, but all I wanted was some pepsi. Ok, you're out of that. That's fine, you don't need to be sorry. I guess I can settle with a Mountain Dew. Does that make you feel better? 26 July
	Plainandsimpletruth1 wrote: Shalom, my brother, Thanx for visiting my space, just returning the visit. Pray all is well for you and yours. In <Christ>< Winston 26 July

Trackbacks (1)

The trackback URL for this entry is:

http://jedtheavenger.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!3E727A1E591A7E48!376.trak

Weblogs that reference this entry

Talking about Common phrases in public establishments that I despise