| Jedidiah's profileThe Daily SatirePhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
July 27 Why the American economy is doomed to the lake of fire and sulphurPart 1: The story
I could have said hell, but my title is so much more descriptive. Wanna know why? The answer comes just a couple inches below.
My mission as of about 10 last night was to see if I could get a free ipod off one of those sites advertising such a thing. You know, the ones that come up in pop up ads, banners, and ads on google. The short answer to the question "are they legitimate?" is yes. But only to an extent. It involves jumping through a few hoops. Actually, you are expected to do a double-backwards somersault through a hoop whilst whistling "The Star Spangled Banner." (name that movie quote and get a free flat screen tv!)
Let me tell you how these sites do it:
1. Several companies pay the site mucho dinero to place an ad for a "special offer" on the site. (more on that later)
2. The free electronics sites buy name brand electronics in bulk.
3. The sites advertise in all corners of the cyber-universe to pull in new "customers."
4. Someone like me makes an "account" at the site to attempt to reap the benefits of modern-day tupperware parties.
5. They select their "free item" and proceed to choose from a list of "special offers" from the said advertisers.
These special offers are most typically weight loss pills, male enhancement pills, online casinos, free 2 weeks trials of anything, free information on online colleges, or free information on how to "make a 6-digit income by working at home!" All are flashing in green and pink with red letters. Typical formula for computer motion sickness.
6. After somehow completing the "offer," the unwary "recipient" of the "free" ipod finds that they must refer X number of "friends" to the website to do the same effing thing.
Let's take me for example. I used an email account that I use for crap like this to sign up for a free Creative Zen Vision, a modern gadget I have been lusting after for months. I signed up for a special Real Player 2 week trial of premium radio, 10 music downloads a month (woo hoo...not) and live video of Big Brother 7 available 24 hours a day. It was one of those things where you give them your credit card number and they will automatically bill you when your free trial is over, which means you are screwed if you don't cancel right away. And this was one of the less gimmicky offers.
I figured that this was like any other online registration: you can cancel your account online as well. Wrong I was. I had to call the bloody customer service to cancel it. First I talked to a Hispanic woman whose rapid-fire customer support babble was totally incomprehensible. Then I had an incoming call on my cell, so I pushed end to stop the beeping. That ended the whole customer support crapola. Unfortunately, it was 7:59 and the customer support was supposed to last til 8. So I redialed and had a wonderful chat with a young pakistani man. Let me go over the highlights: I had to spell out everything they asked for. Alas, I am so used to using my main email account that I automatically spelled that out. After a "shoot! can I start over?" I got it right and made it through. Then I had to give the whole 16-number debit card number, complete with a repeat. Then I had to give the cardholder's name for security reasons. My card has my full name, which is about 3 times longer than just Jed.
Then I had to tell him the reason for cancelling my subscription. I made up a lame..."uhhh...I didn't mean to sign up for it?..." That confused our customer support friend, who ended with "I'll send an email to you confirming your cancellation. You have a wonderful evening Jed." All said with a Pakistani accent.
I didn't even bother to try referring 11 people, and I don't think they even considered my "special offer" completed. No free stuff for Jed.
Part 2: The Analysis
What is wrong with this? It's a transfer of gimmickry to try and soak up the little economic dignity Americans have. I decided a while ago that I wouldn't get a credit card until I was well out of college. You've probably seen the banner ads for analysis of how screwed you are because you can't say no to buying $300 worth of groceries with your credit card. My 8th grade teacher told me to only buy with cash your whole life and you'll never have money problems. I figure checking accounts and debit cards are ok too since you draw out of an account.
Moving right along...
The products you get for free are imported from Asia and are most likely worth less than half of the retail price. However, the "retail price" is always shown in red with a broad stripe through it, showing that your are receiving the equivalent of $300 in cash. Not true.
Are you still with me?
From the online casinos to the diet pills to the minimum priced cigarette cartons to the get rich quick scams, you can see in your 17 inch computer screen (which you bought with money that you worked for) that the special offers are only the most undesirable addictions of American citizens.
To actually make an item free of charge, you must cancel whatever junk you subscribed to, and I have already told you what a nightmare that is. You'd think that since we're so connected to computers that a simple thing like cancelling a subscription could be done online, but we're still forced to use that old fashioned telephone to get anything done. Something must be wrong when commonly used technology isn't available.
My advice for myself and all of you is this: get a job, work hard, earn money, and buy your own imported trash whatever the price. Even if it means hours of consumer research and finding the lowest price and best quality, it will make you feel all warm inside.
Comments (21)
Trackbacks (3)The trackback URL for this entry is: http://jedtheavenger.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!3E727A1E591A7E48!1990.trak Weblogs that reference this entry
|
|
|
